Year 2010

For 2010,

I wish I can adept quicker than 2009
I wish I can make more friends
I wish I can at least make a change
I wish I can make a strong decision
I wish I can achieve more
I wish I won't be that greedy like this
I wish for too many things.
I wish I can write more quality stuff

Year 2009

Just as the fireworks started,
another year just passed me by,
I have a hard time remembering what happen this year.
It was a busy year I guess.
So many regrets,
so many great days,

Month by month Highlights,

January
Back to college, had a quite good holiday. Was it Chinese New Year? I forgot when was it. Just remember those dinner and watching movie together at the hall. Had a new roommate I guess. Start of a semi-Hell.

February
Not much memory as well. Remember the genting trip, some great photos, and whatever I don't remember. Got to tackle some great issues that were never meant to be an issue. I learn something new again.

March
The 2nd hell, trials. This kinda screw my whole month. As it also falls on my birthday month. Which means I have to endure the whole thing in a very hot bedroom with limited air condition.
But good things do happen, got a great birthday celebration.

April
The first thing that I remember was April Fool. For the first time in 19 years, I got pranked. And I was sleeping at that moment ok. And I don't remember doing what the whole month, attending some classes?

May
I think I studied ? And took the exam?

June
Same old story. But yeah, I finished pre-U. Prom, trips, birthday celebration? The action came in thick and quick. But yeah, I never felt more tired in my life.

July
This was the month I like, I could just sit down and do nothing at all. Practically the lay down month. I did start to work at the last part of the month. Start of something new at least.

August
I drank the most liquor in my whole life all together. But the best part was working. I never had worked. So this was my very first time. It was quite fun actually. Just the long hours and physically and mentally drain everyday. Direct sale is hard, putting it together is harder. And of course the final trip.

September
Final trip continued. And I went to Australia! Then boom, University life suddenly befall me. Before I knew it, I had to start all over again. Dear me!

October
So it begins. I don't really like this new life. Cause I had a hard time re-adapting. Till I finally made some friends. Can you believe it? After 5 weeks, I can only find a place among friends. I anticipate some sort of these in coming years.

November
Consecutive hell Mondays. No idea what's wrong with the schedule. I had labs, test, class all in the same day. Fun right? And I had to work on those lab reports every Monday night. But I do enjoy the end part where we go drink tea.

December
For the first time, I had to work on something till 4am. Grab some sleep and submit it the next day. But I rather not dwell on it. Singapore was up. The first trip I did not hesitate much to go. Although the places we visited were mostly the same, it was fun. And Christmas!

Hey

"Hey Mary, John seems to be sad."

"Don't worry Rene, if he has any problem, he can talk to you."

"I guess you're right, but what about me?"


I guess this sums up everything.

Chase

I was chasing that dream.
When everyone has deserted me,
I continue in hot pursuit.
Or at least I thought I was.

Till it finally end.
I awoke from it.
For it was not the dream I was chasing.
I was chasing an answer.
For it had eluded me far too long.

As I cling on to my pride.
I swallow all my sorrow.
Letting loose all my pain would mean chaos.
I withstand all those laughter
Brought upon me by myself.

For I chase the wrong thing.
I will not run.
You should be running.

From now on,
I shall not chase.
I shall let life come to me.
Passive as ever.
This shall be me.

Lies

What am I holding on to?
I see things.
Things which are lies.
No matter how hard we try.
We lie.

Maybe it's better that way.
That we should live in our own bubble.
I lied to let you go.
You lied to get me going.
That was the perfect scenario.

Who wants to lie?
But life itself is a lie.
Lie itself has life.
I know by now.
Yet many live in ignorance.

If it really needs a lie to make you live well,
I ask you why not?
For you live you life.
Along with your lie.

I can see lies around me.
I see far more than you think I can.
I am smarter than I look.
Yet, I'm still the better liar.
We play a dangerous game.
I have no plans of stopping.

Maybe I'm fed up

Maybe this...
Maybe that...
why is there so many maybe in my life?
maybe that's life?

How many times do I need to do this?
How many lies must I tell?
How much time do I need?

Seriously, I'm quite fed up...
I'm fed up with myself already...

Smile kills

I just realized how lonely I am.
Or rather how lonely I can be.
Why is it that way?
Why is it that when I have problems?
I couldn't find people to talk to?
Do I not trust them?
Or maybe I just wasn't serious?

I noticed.
That when I tell my problems,
I would either be crying or smiling.
I don't cry often.
Maybe that's why people don't take me seriously?
Who would when I tell them I have problem and I'm smiling there?

The end

I feel pain,
Both inside and outside,
For far too long,
I've live under an illusion.

You have been very kind,
And due to your kindness,
I choose to live with hope,
Hope that I created myself.
Maybe I got it wrong.

Maybe it wasn't what you wanna give me,
Who knows?
I never regret having such a beautiful dream.
But one day,
the dream must end.
I must wake up.

I said I won't end a beautiful dream,
But today I think I will this hope.
For I created this hope.
I shall end it then.

I know my heart will bleed.
But who cares?
Would you choose for a short but intense pain?
Or a long and slow pain?

I have no right or whatsoever to deserve any pity,
for I brought this upon myself.
I shall reap what I sow,
I don't need pity.

Maybe some of you think its not such a big deal,
Yeah, it probably isn't.
But you're not me.
You won't know don't you?

No one can be me.
And no one can be you.

I just realize how wrong I can be,
And how right everyone else can be.

I need to thank everyone who told me so,
I shall thank you for that beautiful scar.
I might thank myself for what I did today.

I didn't give up,
Not now, not anywhere.
But I don't want a hope,
I don't need a hope.
A dream shall belong a dream.
Nothing more I guess.
Things took a quick turn.
I think my body have told me so.
Its time to stop
How much more do you think you can take?
Maybe for once,
I shall listen to myself.

I shall pray again.
I pray I took the right choice.
This shall end today.

My Beautiful dream

A little alcohol sure helps.
I guess I was too tired.
It began as the day itself.
Terrible.
I's so used to having nightmares
Or having those pointless dreams that I couldn't remember.

It was 4.
I heard knocks on my door.
Or was it just my bed?
But then came a second time.
I hardly wanted to pull myself up.
Fine, the third time I would open the door.
Blur as it may seems,
I thought I saw 2 leg shadow.

Then it began.
Everyone was there.
We were crossing roads.
I wanted to shield you from the cars.
Then, I felt that little hands of yours.
I look at you in the eyes.
You were smiling.
My heart was melting.

We walked along.
Along the path.
I can't find the others.
Or was I just too focus?
Sad as it may seems,
I knew it was a dream in my dream.
I struggle not to have myself wake up.
Who would want to end such a beautiful dream?
Not me.

But when the dreamy clouds end.
I can still have my perfectly happier day than yesterday.
The hardest thing of all,
I would say that I couldn't have the chance.
The chance to tell her my beautiful dream.
Or maybe the chance to get this dream working.

Is that the sign?
Was it the sign I was always hoping for?
Why do I always ask question that no one is capable of answering?
I tried having the same dream that night.
How good it can be to be able to manipulate my dreams.
I don't fear dreams.

Back up

I've always prided myself with a back-up plan in store
That night, I move in without one.
Hence, I got slaughtered so bad that I couldn't even cry
But I need to move on right?
And I thought I did.

Yesterday I was caught off guard once again.
When things is to go well
It probably won't last.
It tricks you into thinking you're in a comfort zone
But it ain't that way,
How I wish..
But yeah, I got wounded again.
Not as bad
But it feels too..

Who's gonna back me up when I don't have a back up plan?