心思苑

感同身受

2011-03-26T04:58:00.002+08:00

当那已成了一种习惯
一个理所当然
我们往往忘记曾付出

当你煮了一座晚餐
大声地呼唤我们吃饭
而我们慢条斯理的
常埋怨这个不是，那个不是
妈，
对不起，
我常常忘了我曾对你的伤害
谢谢你一路来的照顾
我会更加的珍惜

当你在外忙碌
为这个家庭努力
疲惫的归家
只想一家共享天伦
而我们却各忙各的
爸，
对不起，
我常常忘了你要的只是很简单
谢谢你一路来的照顾
我会更加的珍惜

当你不断地为你的人生努力着
为了你的未来
为了你的幸福而努力
却不忘了关心我
作为我与你们的桥梁
而我却常发你的脾气
姐，
对不起，
我常常忘了你对我的真心
谢谢你一路来的照顾
我会更加的珍惜

也许人就是要感受到
才会发觉到那个痛
对不起，
我错过了这么多
当我感受到你们的痛
这一切一切已经太迟了

我会更加努力
我不想在让你们痛苦

考验

2011-03-21T06:59:00.002+08:00

即将面临的考验
这个大关卡
也许一年后
它是多么的渺小
可是现在却占据了我

我很累了
却不能含泪
只能喊累

我不可以倒
I will try to always solve..

奔

2011-03-08T04:54:00.000+08:00

虽然我累了
但我还是要继续的奔跑

岁月啊
果然不留人

就算困难一浪接一浪
但我需要冲

我不能停啊
哭回不了从前阿

王力宏需要人陪

2011-02-22T04:24:00.001+08:00

打開窗戶讓孤單透氣
這一間屋子如此密閉
歡呼聲仍飄在空氣裡
像空無一人一樣華麗

我漸漸失去知覺
就當做是種自我逃避
你飛到天的邊緣
我也不猜落在何地

一個我需要夢想需要方向需要眼淚
更需要一個人來點亮天的黑
我已經無能為力無法抗拒無路可退
這無聲的夜現在的我需要人陪

閉上眼睛就看不清
這雙人床欠缺的溫馨
誰能陪我直到天明
穿透這片迷濛寂靜

我漸漸失去知覺
就當做是種自我逃避
你飛到天的邊緣
我已不猜落在何地

一個我需要夢想需要方向需要眼淚
更需要一個人來點亮天的黑
我已經無能為力無法抗拒無路可退
這無聲的夜現在的我需要人陪

一個我需要夢想需要方向需要眼淚
更需要一個人來點亮天的黑
我已經無能為力無法抗拒無路可退
這無聲的夜現在的我需要人陪

眠

2011-02-22T00:41:00.002+08:00

好想睡一个好的

最近
不是睡不着
就是睡着了还是睡不好
躺下去
所有烦恼并没有解脱
反而慢慢的浮现

我还真的很累
如果可以控制不想任何东西
那可是多好啊

远方

2011-02-20T18:23:00.002+08:00

真的很想念远方的朋友们
他们所带给我的欢笑
因为辛苦为他们奋斗
所换来的都是很美好的回忆
来到了这里
有时真的很感叹
为什么会那样
有时真的欲哭无泪
不喜欢每搞一次
就要不高兴一次
还要装高兴
真的不喜欢这角色

梦

2011-02-20T09:59:00.002+08:00

今天得到了很多启发
突然看到，很多人
就凭着一个我要追逐梦想
就以为可以什么就做
请别以为那是你的梦想
那自是你的梦
以为修饰了词句就可以理所当然

别跟我开玩笑了
你们要的不是达成梦想
只是拥有那份曾经
我曾经这样
我曾经那样

或许你们觉得你们好像在为梦想努力
但是如果真的没那个本事
就别拿梦想当理由

我不喜欢你们在我面前喊穷
随后就说要省钱到哪儿玩
如果你连吃饭的本事都没有
还想去玩
我可以笑你吗？

旅游对我来说不是我的梦想
旅游是想受的
我不希望什么曾经拥有
因为你们没有感受

探险家的精神？
别让我笑了

默

2011-02-20T09:39:00.003+08:00

有时候，世界就是会有那么一个好人
一个愿意默默付出的人
如果我没帮他的忙
也许他会呆在那儿整晚
不明白他的好本领哪儿练来的
就算被冷落，也没一声怨言

请别怀疑我
我也可以默默地付出
但我偶尔也会觉得累，
觉得太不公平了
我会因为被冷落而不开心
或许我是一只哈士奇狗
需要很多关心

最近那绿眼怪兽常到访
有时候也难免控制不了
或许还不够训练
这方面应该好好锻炼
我知道我太过在乎
太过在意

我必须变得更坚强
必须有个平常心

我不怕

2011-02-15T04:59:00.000+08:00

从新再听回一首歌

我要说我不怕

就算受点伤
也理直气壮

我不怕他们
觉得我奇怪
觉得我傻

我不怕

毒药

2011-02-09T05:39:00.001+08:00

既然忠言逆耳
我也不必多说

原来要健康都好像很难
那就算了

我

2011-01-27T21:44:00.002+08:00

早上走在天气美好途中
我以为我康复了
一路的走
我健步如飞到连我也不敢相信
但是我懂我心情还是那样的沉重

直到我放学回到了房间
接到了姐你的电话
你一直的追问我如何
我在电话的另一头
其实很想哭
请原谅我必须假装坚强
原谅我的眼泪不能让你们看见
我不能让你们再担心我
我答应过你们会好好过
我会很努力的
我还真的很想家

原谅我的脆弱
就因为我的无能为力
我不能陪你看电影
扫了大家的兴

我发觉我越来越弱了
风不再是我的朋友
在刺耳的风力
我很努力的走着
我没发觉到
原来我走多两步路
我已经开始喘了
直到我爬上了那楼梯
我冒着冷汗了
请还给我我的健康

真的很感激你一路来的照顾
谢谢你的粥
你做的一切
我懂我也知道
给我多一点点时间
我会紧紧的抱住你

原谅我不曾说
我必须把这一刻心情写下
让我自己知道
我在伤害着很多关心我的人
对不起

搬迁

2011-01-07T23:36:00.003+08:00

又再回到这熟悉的画面
当一切又在归零

千言的万语
有时就不是言语能倾诉

那好吧
心思苑

就让它种着开心的画面吧
还是要逃回那竹樱林隐藏

随缘吧
寻找吧

2011-01-03T07:38:00.001+08:00

扮演什么角色我都会

生病记

2010-11-17T05:21:00.004+08:00

曾经我以为
为了不让家人担心
就应该只告诉他们好消息
却没想到
我掠夺了他们关心我的权利

来之前曾生了场大病
那时给了我一个心理准备
日后的日子都没那么容易
看来那预备还不充足

我最怕发烧
因为发烧就好像一个不治之症
只怪我对如此多的药物敏感
一个普通病可以搞得我如此害怕

那天是我第一次来到这儿发抖
躺在沙发上，只感觉只有脸会热
全身上下都好冷
那时都感觉好无助
也许地心吸力
也许太热
也许我就是想哭
一滴眼泪
在无控制之下落了

那时之前都不会想回家
那一刻多想有人照顾我
有爸爸带我看医生
有妈妈提醒我吃药
有姐姐代劳

幸好有班挚友
他们煮了病人餐给我
还陪我一起吃
给了我好多药
帮我按摩头痛
借我暖炉

我的人生
最庆幸的
就是常常可以交到好朋友
虽然离开了一班好友
来到这儿还能交到好朋友
不容易

谢谢朋友们的照顾
来到这儿感到的最大温暖

Life here

2010-10-03T05:06:00.002+08:00

I've settled in quite ok here.
Just taking it slowly, one at a time.
In fact, I'm surprised I've settled in so fast here.
It's just like a change of environment..
Easier than I thought.
Looks like I worried too much before coming.

Seems like my family miss me very much.
I know, I can feel it.
Well, I miss them too, just not as much as they miss me.
I can hear from their voices.
But I hope they can understand that they must face this feeling.
The bond isn't like friendship, it last forever.
I can't move on from their lives,
But I hope that they don't torture themselves with the fact that I won't be there for this period.
I want them to be happy too.
Please, be strong.
Tears have been shed,
But I won't cry,
I don't want you all to cry.

Been able to meet so great friends over here.
Keeping me occupied and not so lonely here
Yes I do miss my old friends but yeah,
We have to move one.
I'm content that they still think of me once in a while
Although I know that we won't have much in common in the coming months
We won't be talking about the same person or something that happened.
Alas, that's life, we move on..

It's like a hotel where I live now.
It's just a walkway, and 6 doors.
The only common area is the kitchen
And only when you have the need,
You leave the room.
That's possibly why I can't really interact much with my flatmates.
It's just Hi and Bye.
A random smile.
I don't even know all their names.

Dinner is the only time where we can have fun.
Well, maybe weekend dinners.
Since we are all busy,
It's just cook, eat and run on the other days.
But its fun just to see us cook,
We weren't good but not awful too.
We have so many of us around that it is just fun to watch someone even try to cook.
But that's just awesome.

Have you ever had the deja vu feeling?
It's like your dream came true?
Well, I've been getting that a lot when I first came here.
It's like it happened before in my dream
If a dream ever come true.
I've had a beautiful dream.
If it really means anything.

Overall I still like the live here.
Seriously, I'm not trying to comfort anyone.

Oh well

2010-09-11T23:10:00.002+08:00

At first it was more then a week
Then it was one week
Finally its less than a week
Funny how things went so fast right?

Fair enough I wasn't that nervous now
Maybe because so many before me did it
I can see they certainly are doing not bad at least to say

I'm really not that scared of going away
It's just that I scared of being tired.
Tire takes away my smile =D
And when I'm not smiling,
I'm dangerous.

I'm really looking forward to meeting my housemates
Well, I hope it will turn out good,
I live on talking
Those who lived with me know this already

But one thing I hate is packing,
Packing just gives you the feeling you're gonna leave
Well, maybe I'm not so fond of leaving
But then maybe I just hate the trouble,
Just dump everything inside a bag

So I pray I will always not be tired
I will have good housemates
And everything turns out fine =D

That little bus

2010-09-05T20:40:00.003+08:00

Taking the mini bus to sunway yesterday
It reminds me of last time
2 years ago, we were doing exactly the same
Who knows that what we were doing then, was so long ago
and to experience it once again before I leave
I missed those days

Subang holds a special place in me.
At least it makes me feel at home being there
I can only say I'm like a hermit.
Shifting here and there.
There were so many places where I can call home now.
At least I feel I'm trained to adapt now.

But we are talking about a whole new game here.
I hope to rediscover that feeling when I left for college.
That was my first time being away from home.
I was lucky then,
I had good friends with me

Am I a lucky one?
I always have good housemates.
I sure do hope the trend goes on.
At least that's what I hope.

Everything will work out fine eventually.
I need to be positive.
I will not back down.
I walk my road.

I want my new life

2010-08-15T23:13:00.003+08:00

I want my new life.

The problem is when you've made that decision to go,
People tend to think you're already gone.
The thing is that I never felt so isolated.
Did I push the panic button too soon?
It is really one full month from the time I'm leaving.

How can I burden somebody else when I'm the only one free enough to think about loneliness?
It always look glamorous to be the one flying.
I do not doubt myself having made that decision.
But I just wished it came earlier.

I miss my best friend already.
It's only just a week since he left.
I miss my 109b roommates.
We do not talk often nowadays.
But those fun times we had were great you know.

I wish I was better at adapting.
Adapting the loss of friends.
It is complicated.
I understand that some friends come and go.
But this bedding period is terrible.

Gosh, I hate myself for always thinking of living in the past.
It's awful to think that I have no more friends that cared.
I know its not really the truth but my mind can't help playing that trick on me time and time again.

I need something to fill my void.
I want my new life.

干掉负面

2010-07-29T17:09:00.003+08:00

曾有一个朋友告诉过我
你的想法太过负面了
当我回想起我那时的情绪
和如今的情绪
我发现可能她说的对
因为我也觉得那时可能过敏

直到现在
当我遇到这场大病
我才发觉
当时的确有理由去生气
有那么充分的理由去痛

一般来说
痛, 只有自己才感觉到
针, 不刺在心, 不会觉得痛
没经历过, 就不会懂那感觉
我没选择变得负面
只是在当时情况下
我觉得做得最好了

这星期里, 我感觉的痛
再痛, 我都尝试忍着
任由我对多么多人说很痛
但没有一个人可能感觉到我的痛
因为没有经历过, 那会觉得痛?

正如我快要飞了
难免会有哪一点的复杂情绪
难免会有那么一点的害怕
难免会觉得孤单
这种情绪不是人人都懂

我真的很感谢几位好友对我的支持
感谢和我分享同样的情绪
感谢和我一样有担心但可以解决的能力
感谢偶尔来与我谈天的人
感谢关心我的病的人
感谢关心我的人
有时候一句保重, 也胜过百般的经历
有时候不需要见面, 也发觉彼此的存在
有时候短短的认识, 也比得上久久的深交

我会尝试不再负面
负面也别来找我吧

The wake up call.

2010-07-25T22:30:00.002+08:00

A small wound can do so much damage.
I wonder why did it have to happen during this time.
As if I do not have enough things in my mind.
But then thanks to this setback,
I guess I have a whole lot of rethinking needed.

If I am to be honest with myself,
The exact moment when I was told that hospitalization was the best solution,
I looked at my father.
This would be my first time really admitted to the hospital.
Of course I'm scared.
But then, for the next 3 years,
No one would be standing next to me giving me the re-assuring look.
The only comfort that I would get is a get well card.

And so we took the second option of having an injection for at least 5 days.
Now comes the second part.
My body is so great that it is allergic to most kinds of antibiotics.
The last thing I would want was to blame my body.
It is mine after all.
Waves after waves of concerns fills me every time the doctors tell me something.
What if I survive that injection only for me to have a swollen eye of suffocation?

And so the next doctor told me its a flesh eating germs.
No big deal I thought.
Till he told me where he wanted to inject me.
Holy shit? Are you kidding me?
This doctor has a great sense of humor I thought.
But he wasn't even smiling.
I guess this just wasn't my best day.
Even moments before he really did it,
I was praying he would just let out a laugh.
Just Kidding Kido.

The only result that came out of google regarding flesh eating germs was horrifying.
In fact a friend told me its so freaking serious that I could not believe it.
Well, it is that serious.
Just that my case wasn't that serious.
And a minor cut can cause death?
I was lucky I guess.
Lucky for this time.
What lies in store for me I do not know.
The future seems bleak.

At least for now I can still have the privilege of being afraid.
Can I survive alone out there?
This was more like a wake up call.
Life isn't easy as it always is.

I thought I was strong.
I thought I was prepared.
I thought I can overcome.
I thought I can conquer.

In fact, I need to do a lot better.

泡影

2010-07-20T23:46:00.002+08:00

无情的音乐
连绵的细雨

蝴蝶不再起舞
野狼不再呻吟

月，又何须园缺？
星，又何须淡亮？

多想走在那被街灯照亮着的路
感受那被寒风轻抚的无情岁月

追求的留金岁月
得到的扬名立万

这一切一切
仿佛流星梦

幻梦的泡影
真实的灯光

打在头上

赌徒

2010-07-14T00:03:00.002+08:00

不知从何时开始
我不再赌博了
也许我不想再把命运交给上天
我的命运由我掌握
也许这想法也未免太天真

也许是任性
也许是天真
也许是叛逆

我开始逆天而行
泄露的天机
我不相信
我偏反其道而行

我是否疯了？
为何要如此挑战
我到底想证明些什么？

发觉

2010-07-09T23:28:00.003+08:00

这星期让我看透了很多
我才发觉原来我不害怕多一个敌人
因为至少他还在我心中
有些人我真的很懒理会了
当一个人绝望到一个地步
我发觉我可以那样的看不起它
为什么它没发现地球不只为它而转

突然觉得年轻时就该任性
至少还算任性过
人没错是会长大的
至少不要让人生错过
渐渐的成长让你发觉自己多么愚蠢
但没所谓
那叫童年
大人的世界每想象那样的华丽
一直的重复
就少了那份自由

人们可能太忙了
常常错过了什么
当我经过附近的公园
才发觉他那么的上镜
它一直都在那儿
没移动过
只有错过的人们
没放慢过脚步

人生阻碍多的是
曾经我觉得我可以排除万难
横冲直撞的把他们解决
谢谢那只猫
让我知道有些事
是应该绕道而行的

生命何苦？
为了发觉

Selfish

2010-06-21T00:35:00.002+08:00

Human are selfish in nature right?
Please before any of you judge me,
I'm not saying I'm not any more selfish than you are,
Just that I choose not to boast how selfish I am.
At least unless that's what you aren't planning to do.
Let's be frank with ourselves,
Who are you trying to cajole into believing that what you want is just some attention?
I CRAVED for attention too.
Please just at least be honest.

I wonder why everyone in this world thinks that he practically suffer more than the others?
That's why I hate when some people don't know how to act like people.
You expect sympathy from someone,
Yet when they give you shit you start to whine?
The world isn't as simple as you see it.
It's far more simple.
In life, you just have to suck it up.

That's why I always have the impression that it is some sort of blessing for me to study outside.
Because I've at least learn how to be a better person.
Those childish thoughts are not going to get us anywhere.
Well, let's just say you guys are far too comfortable here.
Don't bullshit me with those saying that you have the hardest module.
Do I care?
At least you haven't been thrown straight into something for you to fend for yourself.
And you say you envy us for having the better chance.
You think we do not have to work for it right?
See, I'm just becoming you and saying how my life sucks more than you.

I always wonder too why no one understands me.
Until one day when it dawn upon me
Why do others need to understand me?
I mean what makes you think that you are so important that other people needs to understand you?
That is something I've learn during my spare time outside.
Maybe you guys are too busy with your modules or just too naive.
Pick one.
Seems to me that you just want to listen to something you like
Or maybe just agree on what you think.
Maybe you just want to hear "I understand you"

Sometimes people take things as granted.
Ok, So I've achieved this and these,
Hmm, What's my reward?
Wait, I'm not happy with this. Other people offer me better things
What are you trying to prove anyway?
Why should anyone give you anything if they don't think you deserve it?
I guess you expect too much.
Don't worry, WE tend to expect too much.
I grew up, I hope you can.
Not that I expect you to, that's something you should expect from yourself.
I hope you see this post.
Screw our friendship,
I don't care if I'm just telling the truth.

hojun

2010-06-20T00:02:00.002+08:00

Just realize that I can be called many names.
From my original name,
Chinese name,
hojun,
Jun,
or even the seldom used child name that I was given.

Seemingly how different each names have different memories of its own.
My official name just sound so official
I used it on forms or maybe any other things which needs to be official
Interesting enough is my sister usually call me by this name.
Just like I would call her by hers.
Funny how things just works out.

My Chinese name is kinda special.
Special as in almost everyone writes it wrongly by assuming
Till they realize that's not my name
But I kinda like my name for it being apart from the normal.
Usually teachers call me by this name though.

My child name just reminds me where I'm from
Those were the days
It was wonderful how we used to play together everyone.
I guess its a progress we must make when we grow older.
Its not that we are more apart,
Just that the feelings were more deep inside I guess.

I always wonder why no one calls me Hojun when I'm in college or Uni
that I guess is the name I like to be called most,
or maybe its those guys that call me by that name made it more likable
This name has a long history though.
Its funny how every Ipoh friend I know call me by this name
Some of those long time didn't talk friends would come by and say hi calling me by this name
I would thought how did they know me by that name?

Truthfully, those that call me by this name feels more closer.
I wonder any of you have this kind of feeling?
Or maybe you would just shrug by and react as if you were being called regardless of what being called?
No idea why though, if you wanna be closer, I guess you'll have to start calling me Hojun.
That's a joke really, but it does help.

原来这只鸟可以那么的残缺

2010-05-30T23:40:00.002+08:00

当你是一个得依靠别人的人
那你就很难拥有独立的思想
大自然的定律就是父母生育孩子
而倒下来的就是孩子报那养育之恩
别误会我不想报那给与我的爱
只是，有时候，我会觉得我没有了自己的选择
当我发现我的思想不再与他们同路
那我能做什么？
在一个华裔环境里长大的我
被很多的隐性合约所捆绑
我岂能被视为不忠不孝呢？
忍下来的就只能那样的不断折磨自己
我不能为了你们而改变我的思想

用人不疑
疑人不用
不知不觉地
我有了这个思想
有时候，人真的把钱看得很严重
曾经有朋友问我
为什么你可以不这么斤斤计较？
我记得我回答了
用那少许钱来买一个人的人格
那你觉得不值得吗？
给人骗了，不是计较你亏了什么
而是你学的了什么
没有天生不犯错的人
只有天生不知错的人
我不会被钱财所背叛
只会被人所背叛

有些人曾告诉过我
说我的笑容很好看
那如果我说那是我练出来的呢？
我记得当我小时候
当我没事做时
我会微笑
应为那时觉得比较有礼貌
旁人也觉得不错
所以那时候有些老师都会对我有好印象
慢慢的，那变成了一个习惯
到长大了
我看到很多人
很多用笑容伪装自己的人
也许我也那样了
我变得越来越无所谓

人是很可悲的
有时候为了一些东西
必须忍辱负重
因为时代的变迁
人际关系变得很重要
就算你不喜欢一个人
也不能正面告诉他了
那曾经我们拥有过的热血呢？
每当我听到这堆朋友不妥另一帮朋友时
我都会很怀疑
到底我背后还有多少人会不妥我呢？
这世界的确蒙蔽了我的眼
我开始不知道有多少人今天没带面具

我常常会觉得
我自己是一个没有脚的小鸟
因为这两年的时间
我都没什么停留太久
也许是这样吧
感觉起来，那些友情都不太像能长久
每天临睡前，我都会幻想我的未来
最近常想的是
如今那还算有联络的
还能交谈的朋友
到底能挨多久
总有一天会累
总有一天会忙

回想这一年里的我
我才发觉我还是一个没有翅膀的小鸟
枝头上的小鸟
永远都被地上的青蛙羡慕
这一年来
我必须依靠的人
多到连我自己也数不清
有时候我真的很不好意识
我凭什么？
我也不敢期望太多
凡是假装不在意
反正别人有恩于你
买个顺水人情
总比为自己的自尊站起来容易
有时候只能感叹自己活得很没尊严

原来这只鸟可以那么的残缺

心底话

2010-05-17T17:47:00.002+08:00

曾经有一个人把我当人质
在那时我屈服于他
绝对不是我认同他的做法
只是我觉得这朋友还交得过
这维持了很久
直到我觉得不能那样下去了
但事后我们还能做朋友
有次，他更向我坦白
说他懂当年他曾做错
我也没放在心里了
我欣赏他有那改过的决心
也欣赏他那份认错的胆识

我想问的是
如今，你有什么本事
让我觉得你这朋友交的过？
我最讨厌别人以为曾为我做过一些事
就可以放肆，口出狂言
我吞下的那几口气，不是白吞的
机会给了，别再让我看不起你

可能是我的命生来就是要与那些聪明人打交道
这些人我认识到很多种
别误会我妒忌而写下这篇
只是相比起来，有些真的比较废材
就拿影响较坏的来写先
不懂阴差阳错，我被逼与他做邻居
他成绩很优秀，我还想占点光儿
或许成绩会应为那样而进步
他开始了我的恶梦
想象一个不懂天高地厚的小子
以为有着你妈的撑腰
可以横行霸道
如果这件事能证明什么
那肯定是我有多强的耐力
因为到目前为止我都还没跟他说话

其实聪明的人很多
照常理来说
聪明的人都很怕输
大半的都不能输
就算输了都用一大堆理由
说的好像没有输
就别让他们有一次比你好
不然他们会让你觉得你没赢过
感叹自己没他们那样有本事
骄傲都一定要有本事才行
是非成败转头空

另一个让我头痛的就是钱
别人没有钱烦，我却有钱烦
那钱还不是我的呢
原来有钱也是一种罪
也许这儿的人对钱是这么的
为什么我的好友叫穷时
是多么的真实而没有你们那么的做作
也许你们觉得我太有钱吧
是应该和那些有钱人做朋友
可能对吧！
我哪里配的上和你们这些穷鬼做朋友
别讲是我说的
我从来没有那样想过
因为我交朋友从来不看背景
我从未炫耀过
是你们不断的提醒
我才发觉原来我是可以那么有钱

我曾经向一个朋友诉过苦
他给了我一个很风趣地答案
那你真的是有钱嘛
难道每一次我都要
那么的安慰自己吗？
奉劝一句说吧
要是你们真的觉得我有钱
那么你应该想的是
如何比我有钱
要是你觉得你比我有钱的话
看看我有什么东西可以说

没什么的
我这个人
没什么厉害的
就很会记仇
但是我也很想的通
因为我知道
不是全世界的人都是你的敌人
但是踏过我的底线
你
将永远留在我心里

资格

2010-05-16T00:23:00.001+08:00

我从不是一个天才
更不是一个领导者
亦不是特别的出众

我只是一个路人甲

我从不会诗词歌赋
更不会说甜言蜜语
亦不会琴棋和书画

我只是一个平凡人

我们无辜的灵魂
在实际的世纪里
不断的被淹没了

说什么清高
什么品德?
什么高尚?

我们还有什么资格？

My nature

2010-05-02T01:17:00.004+08:00

"How can I blame others when I myself did the same thing?"

I was so afraid,
That feeling of being abandoned,
Left there all alone.

I always think,
What if they don't talk to me anymore?
Will I be forgotten?
What should I do?

In the end,
When I look back at myself,
I realized,
I did not put in the same effort too.

I'm sorry for those who have left us,
It was not my nature to make the first move,
It's always not me.

Maybe you all expected me to at least care,
But it just felt awkward for me to do so,
I always ask myself,
What if they are busy?
What if they don't feel like talking?

Now that I realized,
That's what that kills friendships,
I can feel those things happening to me now.
But I can't blame others now,
Not that I know what I did for now,
May have just come back to haunt me.

I'm sorry,
For not showing that I cared.

和平盛世

2010-04-18T18:38:00.002+08:00

感叹出生于这和平盛世
受尽世界的保护和呵护

从未需要经历哪些艰难
我们就那样的开始退缩

从不去经历就不懂感觉
从不去实践就没有经验

生活在给人保护的情况
给了我们虚假的安全感

我们都活在这圈子里头
宁愿相信我们已看透了

说什么别人笑我太疯癫
我说别人看不穿这话儿

看透这人生但并无看穿
看穿了人性但还看不破

不破这和平盛世

感同身受

2010-03-04T00:58:00.002+08:00

自从我决定要飞了
自从我把表格交了

只有一个人说会舍不得我
那是我的姐姐

只有一个人会为我感到高兴
那是我的好友

只有一对夫妇会为我光荣
那是我的父母

只有一个人祝我一路顺风
我分不出是否真心

有一个人说一路顺风
悄悄地加了一句
不会到的

有一个人说飞机到一半会失事
或者会爆炸

很多人说我很有钱
他们也说自己没钱

也有人问我为什么突然要走？

我不是开玩笑
可能他们觉得自己很好笑
可以拿我开玩笑

而每当我听到这些话
我的心很很很酸
但是我每次都要笑着
笑着把你们当玩笑

原本是一件很开心的事
却被你们弄到我很伤心
我还笨到一度想要放弃

我还真的不懂
为什么你们每一个都会问我
不是问我做好准备了吗？
而是问我你还会记得我们吗？
以后你还会不会不认识我们？
你为什么要放弃我们？
也有问我你有真心与我们交朋友吗？

我还真的真的想要问你们
你们到底把我当什么？

我每一次的无言
我每一次的沉默

当我还没下决定时
当我真的很烦恼时
你们正沉醉与什么
只有一个人问过我
问我决定好了吗？

所以，
别说我走的太突然
只是你们跑的很快
不曾回头多望一眼

我不会怪你们
我不想怪你们
但愿你们好过
让我走的潇洒
感谢那些快乐

我要的是简单的一句加油
或许你们的沉默
对我来说会更动听

别想太多
不能想太多

要飞得高
就只能与蓝天白云做伴
偶尔来些彩虹

飞

2010-02-11T23:35:00.022+08:00

如果你问我，我的弱点是什么
那，我会说，我太易受影响了

从今天起，我再不会改变决定
我将会离开这儿
到国外去深造
今年，我将会飞了
给了自己这决定
写这篇让我记得
我不能改变

我变了
来到这大都市
我感觉被影响了
忘记了初始的梦
忘了打拼的原因
差些忘了自我

我才发觉到
我这吉隆坡人，学到了怡保人的大志
我才发觉到
到国外念书，只是我们这些乡下人的梦想
我才发觉到
有机会都不一定会争取到

或许是我们乡下得到的并没有那么好
也许是这样，我们懂得把目光放远
因为这样，我们才有较大的梦想

我不能再退了
我不能再放下理想了
没错我还会怕
但是我觉得
我应该会坚强的
没经历写暴风雨
我不会长大的

到了外头
没朋友
很好
那我不用那么依赖
我可以从头来过
这第一步让我来踏吧

我真的觉得这里很腐败
或许我只认清高吧
感觉起来
就很孤独
因为再也找不到知音
以为是的也只是以为
到外头去
可能找到更好的
可能更加腐败
也好
那我可以更珍惜这儿

我会放下俗人的眼光
管他们觉得我有几分臭钱
管他们觉得我会改变
只是你们没那份勇气
没那个机会
就来踩压我
我能争取我的理想
只是我的梦比你们的华丽
我就是那么的好高骛远

展开翅膀
让我飞翔吧！

Watching

2010-02-06T01:20:00.002+08:00

We live in a real world.
Far more real than you know.
This is a world where the strong lives.
The weak don't deserve much chance.
This is a world filled with deceptions.
Where the honest lies.
This is a world of greed.
Where everyone wants the best for themselves.
This is the world,
where when you really want to be at the top,
you need to sacrifice.
You need to stand on top of those bodies that lies below you.
That is the sacrifice.

I hate it when people don't use their brains.
I don't care how smart you are really.
But I don't even know why are you all targeting me?
Am I really such a threat?
Those lies that you lied.
Those words that hurt me.
That won't kill me.
Mind you I'm not dumb either.
Stop pretending for the sake of sake.

When they tell me that you need to target the weak in order to succeed.
When they tell me that you need to win by hook or crook.
When they tell me that you need not have a bottom line in doing bad things.
When they tell me that you need to use whatever in your possession.
When they tell me that you need to sacrifice.

I play my game however I want.
I despise those who think only for themselves.
I know who you are.
You know who you are.
I'm out there watching.

Lone moon

2010-01-31T16:18:00.001+08:00

If I have anything stolen from me,
I guess it would be my heart that she has stolen from me.
If it would be that many things that I have done for someone,
I guess it would be what I’ve done and what I would have done for her.
If I ever can turn back the time,
I would maybe turn back the time where I loathed you.
If I ever wanted anything more,
I want my feelings back.

I must admit,
I can like anyone easily,
but for me to really fall for someone,
I fell for her.
Maybe it was my off day,
maybe today is my off day.
Why did I even start writing this?
Just so that I can remember her?

Did you think I want to live like a zombie?
Reminding myself everyday to forget about her.
Ha, the irony.
Reminding myself to forget something.
Technology made it easy for us these days.
I can know how’s she’s been lately.
Then I know, blocking of someone is easy.
To get someone else to block you is the hard part.

Just when I thought I can forget,
I reminded myself to forget!
To be honest, I never cried for her.
I thought I didn’t take this whole thing seriously,
if not, why wouldn’t there be tears?
Or had I harden my heart so much that it didn’t matter anymore?
Then why?
Just why would I had myself go through all this?
Just why would I sit around that corner, withstanding the cold?

If I rate those friendships based on how much my best friends hurt me.
Should I value her the same way?
How awesome she can have me question so many things.
It’s just those things that isn’t what she wants to do to me but it did to me.
Thanks to her, I appreciate my mornings more.
Maybe it’s because that was the only Friday morning that rain made it so special.

I really don’t want to reveal too much.
I don’t want any of you to keep guessing.
But I know, those who cares don’t really come here.

If I ever wanna blame anything for tonight, I want to blame the stars.
Or maybe the moon, for making the night so lonely.

Mesmerized

2010-01-26T23:36:00.002+08:00

If I ever were to be honest with myself,
I would say,
somehow, somewhere,
she will still be in my mind.
Ha! So much for hypnotizing myself.

I remember Jo Ee once said,
don't you think that you would want to protect those girls that are soft-nature?
Well, I would totally agree with him.
I would love to protect her,
wrapping my arms over her,
shielding her of any harm.

Everything needs a balance I guess,
Personally, I don't like girls that are over-dependent.
If she has some problems,
I would gladly solve it together.
But if I ever was not around,
I would like her to try.

Frankly speaking,
I've never given it much thought till now.
At that moment,
I just felt I met that perfect one.
But just as it seems,
nothing's perfect.
And only after for which I analyze myself,
I am able to write it out.

I would love to hate Fridays that period.
Hate it for it puts me in an awkward stance,
Love it for it gave me the false sense of being closer.
At least for what I thought.
I just hate self-consciousness,
Every just that moment when I feel I would lose it,
it started coming back to me.
And so, I decided to end it.

I would pretend to the whole world.
Just like everyone, keeping it deep inside,
Creating that barrier sealing her off.
I bet not many know about her.
My brothers from 109B,
we had talents I assure you.
For I still feel we were the best liars around!

Remembering how I would sulk alone in the room.
Only to see us all in there,
surprised to see each other.
I miss those life too.

And now,
When I came across one of her photos,
I would comment how pretty she had become,
But it still gives me those goose bumps,
sending shivers down my spine for unknown reason.
I guess my body is reminding me what I'm dealing with.
so, I guess it will just be "how are you" for us.
we can't change anything,
cause I had the final say.
Chance not given!

She really did had me mesmerized there.

Obligation to sacrifice

2010-01-09T00:27:00.003+08:00

Did you know?
My real interest is in psychology.
But then I can't really spell it right.
Maybe that's because I never really gave it a chance.
I'm just too afraid.
Too many things held me back,
So I can only brag,
but not doing anything I can.

No doubt I choose how my life.
But I can help others from influencing me.
When I read my lessons now,
Half the time I didn't listen.
Looking at the notes,
I thought to myself,
I can understand all this if I want to.
But when it really matters,
I can't find any motivation at all.

Life isn't always fair to us.
I understand it is a cycle.
My parents might have given up their dreams
Instead of their dream job,
they choose to get a well paid job.
All they want is for us to live better.
And the cycle goes.
We are expected to do the same for our future.
Maybe this cycle is meant for someone to break,
Like our preparation is for our future generation to pursue their dream job.
But when is the right generation?
That's why the cycle goes on.

Given the chance,
I would like to break that cycle,
But who have that faith that he can be successful?
Can I say I would love psychology?
Can I be sure I would do great?
No
Instead I have to choose the safer road.
I knew I would regret this in the future.
But putting myself in my parents shoes.
Don't they just sacrifice for us?
I have this obligation to sacrifice myself for my future generation.

We have to look at some picture.
And so I guess till I really accept fate.
That's what I hope for.
Not my dreams.
Just my acceptance.

Year 2010

2010-01-01T02:14:00.002+08:00

For 2010,

I wish I can adept quicker than 2009
I wish I can make more friends
I wish I can at least make a change
I wish I can make a strong decision
I wish I can achieve more
I wish I won't be that greedy like this
I wish for too many things.
I wish I can write more quality stuff

Year 2009

2010-01-01T01:33:00.002+08:00

Just as the fireworks started,
another year just passed me by,
I have a hard time remembering what happen this year.
It was a busy year I guess.
So many regrets,
so many great days,

Month by month Highlights,

January
Back to college, had a quite good holiday. Was it Chinese New Year? I forgot when was it. Just remember those dinner and watching movie together at the hall. Had a new roommate I guess. Start of a semi-Hell.

February
Not much memory as well. Remember the genting trip, some great photos, and whatever I don't remember. Got to tackle some great issues that were never meant to be an issue. I learn something new again.

March
The 2nd hell, trials. This kinda screw my whole month. As it also falls on my birthday month. Which means I have to endure the whole thing in a very hot bedroom with limited air condition.
But good things do happen, got a great birthday celebration.

April
The first thing that I remember was April Fool. For the first time in 19 years, I got pranked. And I was sleeping at that moment ok. And I don't remember doing what the whole month, attending some classes?

May
I think I studied ? And took the exam?

June
Same old story. But yeah, I finished pre-U. Prom, trips, birthday celebration? The action came in thick and quick. But yeah, I never felt more tired in my life.

July
This was the month I like, I could just sit down and do nothing at all. Practically the lay down month. I did start to work at the last part of the month. Start of something new at least.

August
I drank the most liquor in my whole life all together. But the best part was working. I never had worked. So this was my very first time. It was quite fun actually. Just the long hours and physically and mentally drain everyday. Direct sale is hard, putting it together is harder. And of course the final trip.

September
Final trip continued. And I went to Australia! Then boom, University life suddenly befall me. Before I knew it, I had to start all over again. Dear me!

October
So it begins. I don't really like this new life. Cause I had a hard time re-adapting. Till I finally made some friends. Can you believe it? After 5 weeks, I can only find a place among friends. I anticipate some sort of these in coming years.

November
Consecutive hell Mondays. No idea what's wrong with the schedule. I had labs, test, class all in the same day. Fun right? And I had to work on those lab reports every Monday night. But I do enjoy the end part where we go drink tea.

December
For the first time, I had to work on something till 4am. Grab some sleep and submit it the next day. But I rather not dwell on it. Singapore was up. The first trip I did not hesitate much to go. Although the places we visited were mostly the same, it was fun. And Christmas!

Hey

2009-11-22T16:42:00.002+08:00

"Hey Mary, John seems to be sad."

"Don't worry Rene, if he has any problem, he can talk to you."

"I guess you're right, but what about me?"

I guess this sums up everything.

Chase

2009-11-22T00:20:00.002+08:00

I was chasing that dream.
When everyone has deserted me,
I continue in hot pursuit.
Or at least I thought I was.

Till it finally end.
I awoke from it.
For it was not the dream I was chasing.
I was chasing an answer.
For it had eluded me far too long.

As I cling on to my pride.
I swallow all my sorrow.
Letting loose all my pain would mean chaos.
I withstand all those laughter
Brought upon me by myself.

For I chase the wrong thing.
I will not run.
You should be running.

From now on,
I shall not chase.
I shall let life come to me.
Passive as ever.
This shall be me.

Lies

2009-11-20T20:24:00.002+08:00

What am I holding on to?
I see things.
Things which are lies.
No matter how hard we try.
We lie.

Maybe it's better that way.
That we should live in our own bubble.
I lied to let you go.
You lied to get me going.
That was the perfect scenario.

Who wants to lie?
But life itself is a lie.
Lie itself has life.
I know by now.
Yet many live in ignorance.

If it really needs a lie to make you live well,
I ask you why not?
For you live you life.
Along with your lie.

I can see lies around me.
I see far more than you think I can.
I am smarter than I look.
Yet, I'm still the better liar.
We play a dangerous game.
I have no plans of stopping.

Maybe I'm fed up

2009-11-16T00:51:00.002+08:00

Maybe this...
Maybe that...
why is there so many maybe in my life?
maybe that's life?

How many times do I need to do this?
How many lies must I tell?
How much time do I need?

Seriously, I'm quite fed up...
I'm fed up with myself already...

Smile kills

2009-11-09T23:14:00.002+08:00

I just realized how lonely I am.
Or rather how lonely I can be.
Why is it that way?
Why is it that when I have problems?
I couldn't find people to talk to?
Do I not trust them?
Or maybe I just wasn't serious?

I noticed.
That when I tell my problems,
I would either be crying or smiling.
I don't cry often.
Maybe that's why people don't take me seriously?
Who would when I tell them I have problem and I'm smiling there?

The end

2009-10-13T18:28:00.002+08:00

I feel pain,
Both inside and outside,
For far too long,
I've live under an illusion.

You have been very kind,
And due to your kindness,
I choose to live with hope,
Hope that I created myself.
Maybe I got it wrong.

Maybe it wasn't what you wanna give me,
Who knows?
I never regret having such a beautiful dream.
But one day,
the dream must end.
I must wake up.

I said I won't end a beautiful dream,
But today I think I will this hope.
For I created this hope.
I shall end it then.

I know my heart will bleed.
But who cares?
Would you choose for a short but intense pain?
Or a long and slow pain?

I have no right or whatsoever to deserve any pity,
for I brought this upon myself.
I shall reap what I sow,
I don't need pity.

Maybe some of you think its not such a big deal,
Yeah, it probably isn't.
But you're not me.
You won't know don't you?

No one can be me.
And no one can be you.

I just realize how wrong I can be,
And how right everyone else can be.

I need to thank everyone who told me so,
I shall thank you for that beautiful scar.
I might thank myself for what I did today.

I didn't give up,
Not now, not anywhere.
But I don't want a hope,
I don't need a hope.
A dream shall belong a dream.
Nothing more I guess.
Things took a quick turn.
I think my body have told me so.
Its time to stop
How much more do you think you can take?
Maybe for once,
I shall listen to myself.

I shall pray again.
I pray I took the right choice.
This shall end today.

My Beautiful dream

2009-10-10T09:42:00.002+08:00

A little alcohol sure helps.
I guess I was too tired.
It began as the day itself.
Terrible.
I's so used to having nightmares
Or having those pointless dreams that I couldn't remember.

It was 4.
I heard knocks on my door.
Or was it just my bed?
But then came a second time.
I hardly wanted to pull myself up.
Fine, the third time I would open the door.
Blur as it may seems,
I thought I saw 2 leg shadow.

Then it began.
Everyone was there.
We were crossing roads.
I wanted to shield you from the cars.
Then, I felt that little hands of yours.
I look at you in the eyes.
You were smiling.
My heart was melting.

We walked along.
Along the path.
I can't find the others.
Or was I just too focus?
Sad as it may seems,
I knew it was a dream in my dream.
I struggle not to have myself wake up.
Who would want to end such a beautiful dream?
Not me.

But when the dreamy clouds end.
I can still have my perfectly happier day than yesterday.
The hardest thing of all,
I would say that I couldn't have the chance.
The chance to tell her my beautiful dream.
Or maybe the chance to get this dream working.

Is that the sign?
Was it the sign I was always hoping for?
Why do I always ask question that no one is capable of answering?
I tried having the same dream that night.
How good it can be to be able to manipulate my dreams.
I don't fear dreams.

Back up

2009-10-09T22:34:00.003+08:00

I've always prided myself with a back-up plan in store
That night, I move in without one.
Hence, I got slaughtered so bad that I couldn't even cry
But I need to move on right?
And I thought I did.

Yesterday I was caught off guard once again.
When things is to go well
It probably won't last.
It tricks you into thinking you're in a comfort zone
But it ain't that way,
How I wish..
But yeah, I got wounded again.
Not as bad
But it feels too..

Who's gonna back me up when I don't have a back up plan?

Secret

2009-10-06T20:50:00.002+08:00

Have you ever had that many things?
Either in your head or your heart
That you wanted to tell everyone
But you can't.

I can only tell a handful of people about it.
But most importantly not always the one you want to.
That is torture.

You know?
Even someone who you don't know
Can drop by and care about you

Sometimes it easier to tell strangers about how you feel
Cause they may never betray your secrets
But aren't secrets supposed to be kept as secrets?

Why is it called secrets?
When every secret that you intend to keep
Is worth telling it to everyone?

I have secrets.
But some secrets are for some people.
To some, it just normal news

How can I differentiate secrets?
If only people can read my thoughts
Then they'll know what they should or should not know..

How many dreamless night have you had?

2009-10-01T16:19:00.004+08:00

Some people ask how many sleepless night have you had
I ask how many dreamless night have you had?

It's such a torture not to have dreams
No matter its a good dream or a bad dream,
As long as there's a chance for me to dream what I wanted to dream,
I would like to dream.

I know I won't get what I want all the time,
But to know that I might stand a chance just keeps me going.
All I want is just a dream.
Though it may not be real,
But to have a taste of it,
It's more than worth it.

I would continue to dream,
As long as I haven't get everything I want.

Think

2009-09-16T22:00:00.002+08:00

Its so hard to find people in the same talking or thinking range.
I sometimes wonder am I the special one who would think things in this way.
Or was it just that I was the only few who cares to show that we think in this way
Maybe people don't like to think nowadays
They think about fun
They think about study
They think about getting the advantage
But don't think about actions or thinking
I don't know how to put these down but its like why so few people think this way
Some people say I like to write philo stuff,
But I think people don't like to read philo stuff.
Like who cares how you wanna think.
Obviously I care.
I want to know is there anyone out there that think as I do?
Or even at least understand them.
I know its boring.

Acceptance

2009-09-14T20:53:00.002+08:00

This world is all about acceptance.
So it just depends on how you decide to see things.
Funnily enough, everyone can't accept themselves.
If someone say to me he can accept himself then he is kinda bullshitting me.
Cause when human change, it means that they can't accept themselves.
If you can accept yourself, let me see you walking down the street with your birthday suit.
Get what I mean?

I'm not saying that change is not good.
Or even some might think I wanna say that not accepting oneself is a bad thing.
In fact, every time we can't accept a thing,
We think through it.
How good that is?
If I can accept that I wouldn't be writing this anyway.
Nothing is perfect.
That's why humans change.
I change.

So the next time you set out to get acceptance.
Maybe being not accepted will make you go forward.
Sort of like put it that way,
If there's nothing more for you to change,
Then you might wanna get yourself a new life.
And every time you see me not accepting something,
I would have something to write down here.

Race

2009-09-11T23:10:00.002+08:00

Racist is always an issue.
No matter how hard or how often plans are devise to tackle it,
It never actually work out?
Which means is it that hard to sort out?
I don't know,
Maybe because I don't really care.

See, that's what people nowadays think.
I don't care.
But I kinda blame influence from others in this kinda problems.
Because when everyone around you is racist,
chances are you are racist too.

Depending on how you see it
Sometimes I blame us ourselves
Like when you go to other country
You will be told that people at that country don't like your race
In that sense, your defense mechanism comes to full gear
You will try to protect yourself
And then you come up with a thinking,
If they don't like me, why should I?
Maybe because you can't accept yourself in the first place,
how do you even expect others to accept you?

Its totally the same in everywhere.
But wait up, why is racist even a problem?
or maybe why do we wanna stop this problem.
For unity?
That's what people been telling me.
But if we humans are meant to be united,
Why would we even be created unique in such way that not anyone is identical?
Wouldn't it be easier to create a standard mold for each and everyone of us?

Actually I don't even know what I'm writing now.
I'm even confused by my own thinking.
Maybe its not a good time to even talk about this topic.
Maybe I haven't reach that level yet.
But I kinda find it interesting that how people think about things that is not in their level yet
Kinda like a child talking bout politics

Plot

2009-09-10T09:20:00.002+08:00

It feels so damn frustrating everytime I write stuff here.
First of all, I don't even know how many of you really read stuff here.
Then, I don't even know whether you even understand anything here.
Next up, some might say he's trying to show off.
That's why I really hate it when you relate my life to my writing.
Or rather my writing to my life.

Hey, I know who I am.
And the very last thing I need is you letting me know who I am.
I think I'm starting to lose the plot here.

LoL

2009-09-09T23:10:00.002+08:00

I'm starting to hate lol
Happy or sad, I use lol.
Kinda got numb using this.
Why can't human just be honest with their emotion?
Yes I'm sad.
But in order to let people think I'm not,
I have to pretend.
Pretend nothing even happened.
Worst yet, pretend I'm cool with it.

Nothing is cool right now.
It hurts to be honest.
Yeah.
But its even more worst to be not honest about it.
I don't want people to worry.
I just said lol.
Maybe all I could do is to laugh.
Like a fucking clown.
That's why I hate clown.

Braveheart

2009-09-08T00:24:00.001+08:00

Some say I was brave
Yeah..
I bravely knocked into a wall...

Fear

2009-09-07T09:48:00.002+08:00

It kinda makes sense now that I think of it
Why do we have fear?
I think we have fear because we do not have control of something
Don't you think so?

We are afraid of the dark
Because in the dark we can't know what to expect.
We have no control in the dark
That's what makes us fear dark
Suppose you live in the dark
Would you be afraid of it?

We are afraid of the future
Because we have no control over it
That's why we have fear inside us.

To void ourselves off fear
The only way is to have control
To take control
That said ppl tend to overuse control
It's so hard to find the balance..

...

2009-09-06T22:15:00.002+08:00

Fine, I have now talked to both a guy and a girl about this.
Both have different views and yeah I do appreciate it.
But then the verdict is out anyway.
In conclusion, I'm a dumb ass.
Dumb as in this situation.
How funny that emotions fluctuates so fast.
Up and down.
Sometimes it felt like adrenaline rush too.
This is kinda interesting.

Well....

2009-08-26T22:49:00.002+08:00

When should I start?
I've so much to talk about.
But I'm sure not everyone accept the fact though.
Is it still worth it then?
I really like the idea of leaving behind legacy.
Human lives to die.
That certainly is not a new concept
but now to think of it,
it really triggers a lot of things.

I think I must really start with it.
But who would be there to view my legacy?
I shouldn't think too much ahead right?
Forward is the way.
My mind is the key

Randomness...

2009-08-26T00:27:00.002+08:00

If sadness have a season,
I bet it spreads too
I don't know about it,
but that seems the case.
Sometimes, you need people to tell you you're sad,
then you realize you're really sad.
But what if people don't realize that you're sad?
would it matters now if you're sad?

People said that when you're sad,
you should show it out.
But why should you show you're sadness?
Humans are funny,
we need sympathy.
We lived to seek it,
don't you feel better when someone sympathize you?

That's why we learned empathy,
but when we don't show sadness,
we are said to be emo.
Is it wrong to heal oneself?
because others won't view it as sadness anymore,
it in turns become emo-ness
that in turns create yet another complexity

How nice if we can feel absolutely nothing at times,
I sure envy robots sometimes,
But that would go against my saying of a life with emotions.
I guess we do deserve a rest once in a while.
Yet resting is always at the finish line.
Our final article.

Desperado

2009-08-23T23:49:00.002+08:00

What's the problem of being desperate?
I really think desperation spurs us on!
At least when you're desperate,
you still will believe won't you?
What's more worse than to lose hope?

Everyone is desperate from something
Just depends on whether you wanna show it or not
Some view desperation as a weakness
Yes, it may be.
Unless you have that many enemies,
I don't think revealing your weakness is going to get you killed.
Humans like animals are very protective of yourselves
That's why there are so many secrets in you heart.

Someday, maybe someday,
I want to try to tell the very real truth of everything that anyone ask me.
I know some may not like it
But that really sounds very interesting.

Must it be that Complicated?

2009-08-21T23:55:00.002+08:00

Simple things are made into complicated stuff
And yet when this complicated stuff starts to go wrong
we need to simplify things again
isn't that funny?

Life is a cycle as everyone say
but they just say and few would think further
Human just wish things would not get complicated
so that they don't need to waste their time to simplify things

Some said to devise a rule which everyone can use to solve things
I say it'll make life boring
who is right?
different people have different opinions
we can't say who is wrong

If you really do hate complicated stuff
well do hate yourself
cause you are just as complicated as you are
we are complicated because we should be
if not what use is there?

In the end, we just didn't bother to look at ourselves
we started off as simple being
yet after growing
we become complicated
and when we finally die
those complications follow us down our grave
sounds familiar right?
we end up simple as ever.

Humans chase simplicity
Maybe we are chasing death after all.

Hope to believe

2009-08-17T22:03:00.002+08:00

I wonder why?
Why does most people hope for a change?
What would happen if you really hope for a change?
There's no use hoping right?
Why doesn't people believe in a change?
When you truly believe in a change, only then there is a change.

There is much difference.
When you hope for a change, you do nothing about it.
In your mind, someone else would do it.
When you believe in a change, you act upon it.
Yes, other people might do it, but you'll be a part of it too.

Hence, the next time you hope for something,
Try to believe in something.
Who knows? You might get lucky.
You reap what you sow, doesn't that sound familiar?
It's back to basic, people often forget that.
Till then.

Oh well..

2009-08-12T00:50:00.003+08:00

Does it always happen?
That when u're so upset but u don't want to show it to avoid inconvenience
Yet, people still notice it right?
I just hope there's a word or something that can instantly cheer me up!
"Oh well.."
Something I liked and learned in class.
Seems so convenient and it does soothe a bit..
It's still not strong enough
Looks like I need something stronger.
Like a pain killer
Just in word form!
Till then, I guess I can only continue "Oh well" -ing

A better experience..

2009-08-08T01:05:00.001+08:00

Great!
I finally got myself some working experience..
Not that kinda jobs that are freaking amazing..
But kinda felt good to earn some money and experiencing something other than sitting..
100+ cartons..
Checking stocks..
Packing stocks..
And delivering stocks..
That's just part of my job...
At the end of the day..
I'm aching all over..
But I got my payroll today..
Not much but still satisfying..
Looks like someone is in for a treat...
So, who wants to ask me out for a meal? =D

Vacation

2009-08-06T21:50:00.002+08:00

I know this may sound kinda shit for some of you guys out there
But, I think I need a vacation.
Not from any of those work or studies,
I want a vacation from my holidays.
Holidays are really getting me nowhere.
Except sitting here staring at the monitor.
I think my eyes are getting weaker.
Looks like I'm back in the market for trips =P
When will it be then?

new chinese blog

2009-07-26T21:35:00.001+08:00

new Chinese blog http://treatiseofmyheart.blogspot.com/

2 blogs will be updated just different language =)

Dream 1

2009-07-25T01:56:00.002+08:00

I had a dream.
He was a soldier, trained and hardened in a war zone.
He killed with no mercy for he knows they would do the same to him.
He was yet again fighting through hell.
People used to live here but now it is covered in the flames of war.
This is just the beginning, he told himself.
At the mark of the bomb which fell just inches away from him, he rushed to the nearest building. There were 3 people who claimed to be civilians.
At this age of deception, his instincts lead him to shoot 2 of them in the head.
The last man pleaded with him.
From the eyes, he thought he can use him.
They both made their way to an abandon house.
There was a young mother with her little girl there.
The four sat there to recover.
The price of war certainly took its toll, the young mother walked out of the house and within seconds, she was gone.
Her young daughter stood by the door, arms outstretched, she called for her mom.
He grabbed her just in time before she too follows her mom to the abyss.
She struggled to break free and he could not calm her down.
Just then, he started singing that old song which he had long forgotten.
That distinct memory of his mom.
The girl quietly fell asleep.
He picked her up and walked up the stairs.
A silent darkness suddenly befalls him.
He was finally saved from his burden.

马

2009-07-14T00:47:00.002+08:00

賓城之旅让我看到了
马应该无躯无束自由自在
马就应该在草原里奔驰
不受控制的没有顾虑的

海滩上那陷入的脚印
沿着那海线走着
我很喜欢马就很期待看到它
但我从来都没这么想过
我应该在这儿看到吗？

我随着那脚印不断往前走
它就在前面一定是
迎面而来的没错是马
但我差点儿看不出来

是我看错吗? 从来都没为它想过
背上骑着的颈项绑着的
在沙滩上漫步着
它的眼神充满了
悲伤孤独颓废
失去了那
斗志信心快乐
这是它想要的吗？

可笑啊！
人也何尚不是那样？
永远都被牵着
斗志理想进步
全都给忘了
连人都那样那我为何觉得马不可那样呢？
我多心吗？

Whatever...

2009-07-06T23:32:00.002+08:00

How funny that sometimes what you think becomes your dream
And that dream in turns becomes reality?
Dreams are some sort of warnings I guess..
Been having dreams...
Of course I am, its normal to have dreams..
Its sometimes so confusing..
While others say dreams are what spurs you on..
I guess I'm being held back by them..
But yes, I would like to keep dreaming...
As long as it reminds me where I am and should be...
I think I have a rough idea..
But its not that ideal..
Heck.. life should be unpredictable..

星鱼你爱哪？

2009-06-29T21:31:00.002+08:00

走在沙石上的桥梁
一步一步地迈进
眼角出现了一艘小船
二十数几的我们登上小船
小船拼了把我们载往那鱼船
在海中央鱼船稳如泰山
任凭我们跳上船都无动于衷

不久便开动了
在漆黑的大海里
鱼船不停的乘风破浪
黑暗里头只有船发出的光
船长不用指南针不须地图
用的是经验星星时钟
大海的沉默

波浪随着船的前进
白泡的出现浪花的溅起
随着灯光的吸引
一些鱼儿们在逆方向跳了起来
他们的舞动抓住了我们的眼
无疑的他们的舞姿令人难以忘怀
但如此挑动的举止我有些保留

抬头一望天边无数的星
黑夜里的一粒粒光芒
她不会硬要你去看她
从很久以前就在那儿等候了
她不会故意去取得你的注意
只在那儿守候等待有心人去欣赏
奇怪的是当你望着她周围的星竟暗了
也许这就是她的魅力吧！

致别

2009-06-12T18:04:00.003+08:00

走着
想着
盼着
到着
这个无依无靠的起点

一个无名小子
一个天真孩子
不知天高有多厚
不知人生有几何
单凭心中之勇闯个人生门

思想
理想
梦想
遐想
都停留在往年高中，难舍难弃

人总要长大
人总要跌到
人总要扶持
人总要爬起
朋友留着的是宝藏，离去的是遗憾

我看见了亲情
我看见了友情
我看见了爱情
看见人之常情
常自私的选择不自私，伤害的何止对方？

一程离去
一行眼泪
一个落幕
一段人生
来的了剧终，我期待我们的续集

~this is not the end~

Another one of those quiz...

2009-05-24T10:33:00.000+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Color Quiz (not bad la)

2009-05-20T21:58:00.002+08:00

Your Existing Situation
"Works well with others, as long as he doesn't have to take the lead. Longs for relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free."

Your Stress Sources
"Sensitive, gentle, and emotional; having a strong need to find some sort of magical harmony and beauty. Artistic in nature, he longs to find a partner who finds these things important as well; however, having trouble finding such a perfect person. Keeps a close eye on his emotional and how much of himself is given to others. He must always know where he stands with others and longs to be regarded with respect. His taste are geared to the artistically beautiful and refined, but he can be harsh and critical of works of art and creativity. Yearns to make friends with those who can help build his intelligence and artistic ability."

Your Restrained Characteristics
"Tries to participate and involve himself in things going on around him; however, avoids conflict and arguments to reduce stress and tension."
Feels unhappy and isolated because he is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding he desires.
"Insists his hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. His self-centeredness can cause him to take things too personally."
Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally but is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
"Strongly resists any limits given him or disputes directed toward him. Stubborn, close-minded, and is hard to change his mind once it is made up. Uses his stubbornness as a way to prove he is independence and in control of the situation."

Your Actual Problem
"His personality is such that he analyzes and examines everything with harsh judgment, which is viewed as an attitude of harsh criticism and disapproval. Fails to take into consideration all the facts when making his judgments. "

Your Actual Problem #2
"Struggles with his need for respect and admiration from others; feels he needs to make a name for himself and stand out from the crowd. He acts out by insisting he be the center of attention, and refuses to step back, stand down, or take on a minor, insignificant role."

http://www.colorquiz.com/

2009-05-12T10:54:00.003+08:00

I don't remember how many times in my life that I felt this speechless
More of the times I choose not to say than nothing to say
Getting news from you is dreadful
Things happened in a flash
If I here felt the pain, I'm sure you'll be a million times worst felt than me
It hurts now to even write down anything here
But I want to give you support here
I'm sure everyone wants too
I know you are strong
We are here for you!

主题

2009-05-12T01:55:00.002+08:00

是主题
支撑了整个布局
快乐的
伤心的
感人的
可憎的

一个落幕
无数的掌声
无情的眼泪
感动的人心
感叹的怨言

众人离席的脚步声
一切回复到的圆点

换来所有的
掌声
口碑
奖项
无法动心的笑容

只寻天涯
动触的人心
心灵的相通
看破的世道

演员的无奈？
不！
我说是，
导演的诅咒

春风带走的红尘
一个临死的遗憾
一个震撼人心的主题

在这与大家分享， Tad 在我刚拟好这篇草稿时，他说了，你在写什么？我feel不到。这或许是我不想听到的，但他却带出了我想说的。感谢他肯花时间看一遍，没多少人会了...

Dreamer

2009-05-03T01:07:00.000+08:00

I had a dream...
It was so real...
Its been 2 nights...
I could still feel it...
Now will I write it down...
As I continue to dream...
The story continues...

Perfect liar with a flaw

2009-05-03T01:00:00.003+08:00

The weakness of the mind...
Funny as it may seem...
We always know the answer to the doubts that we have...
We just need a confirmation of it...
No matter how ridiculous it may seem to us...
But we would still believe it if we were told by someone other than ourselves...
That is when we turn to the supernatural...
It is not hard to be a cheater...
The calmness in you...
The observability of yours...
That is all enough...
Yet I always find it hard to have that cruelty in me to do it...
This need more practice...

动摇了 Let the game begin!

2009-04-13T21:42:00.003+08:00

好久都没写太多东西了
看到的却有加无减
但我不想写了
我明白的
都不重要了
这就是我们生存的理由
来玩这场游戏吧！

竹樱林

2009-04-08T04:53:00.002+08:00

何人陪我之冥想
俊寻竹林深处往
晖闯樱花盛放园

我走在蓝天白云
无法不再次苏醒
事像一场云过雨

我留恋于竹樱林
安躺于风之安抚
心凉了也就冻了

醒着数着天边星
来的狂风又暴雨
了得起我撑住呢

我等着，我盼着，我望着，懂得了吗？进得来吗？一个懂得我的...

Thanks

2009-03-28T21:42:00.002+08:00

I would like to thank everyone who celebrated my birthday with me!
Currently still thinking whether to blog it or not...
Feel like being greedy and keep the memories to myself...
Maybe in the coming weeks will blog with the pics...
Haha...
For those who didn't make it, It's ok =)
I know u guys tried...
A big big thank you...
And for the presents that I received...
I love it!
Thanks!!!!

The bad and the good...

2009-03-15T23:02:00.005+08:00

Another bad week...
I had more fun than I should...
I studied less...
Bad news were all over me...
Felt sorry but can't help it...

Weekend, Man United finally lost...
I was more pissed with some other things than that...
Why are some woman so senseless I asked...
It felt bad when you're team is losing...
Why remind me?
Please, anything that I wanted to hear was anything from you all...
But I must say, not all women are that senseless...
If not I'll get myself into another trouble...
I like to show gratitude...
For someone sang me "liang zhi lao hu" to cheer me up...
I sincerely thank you!
I really laugh...
You are good!

I just want to say...
Short glory isn't even comparable to final triumph...
Save it for yourself you guys...
I could have responded to all the comments you all make...
But there's no point in it now...
I want the final laugh...

Back to the good things anyway...
I was finally able to see Max...
So long have I waited to see it...
Well, I do miss lucky too...
Felt bad when I wasn't able to pay that much attention to it...
Kinda felt that he got displaced by Max...
So, I present you... MAX!!

Kinda cute now... but it can grow alot bigger

starring at the camera!

It liked me
Trying to chew my hands off...

Random Ranting

2009-03-10T22:52:00.002+08:00

I feel so much the need to write something...
I would often update my blog during sad times...
I have that feeling of emptiness in me once again...
Again and again I asked myself...
Why?
There has to be an explanation...

I like humans...
I really do...
But humans are born to disappoint I guess...
Given that many chances...
Human never change..
This is my life...
I hate this phrase...
Why?

Why?
And I would like to comment on those who question me writing on my blog...
I didn't force any of you upon my blog...
Maybe my sister yes...
But I don't see any wrong in writing...
Humans have feelings too...
When you're sad...
You won't go up to a person and tell him you're sad...
Get what I mean?
I'm so tired of having to respond...

完美的骗子

2009-03-08T01:40:00.003+08:00

最近常去图书馆
那儿再次的吸引我
我不知哪儿来的感觉
只是知道那儿让我回想
回想起从前好喜欢的感觉
我并不喜欢一个人在那苦读
但我知道从前的感觉不会从现
也许那时是我读书最快乐的一刻
不懂的说我好勤力
我只在回忆过去

我变了
我开心了
不知道为何
但有一次
有人告诉我
你最近很快乐
我又笑了
正当我感觉不快乐时
有人说我比较快乐了
是错觉还是我已无法控制
脸已不属于我吗
不开心脸却给别人开心
太恐怖了吧

We'll pull through..

2009-03-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

It was so nice to hear from you...
Although it wasn't such good news that you are telling me...
But I was so happy to know how you take it now...
Failure is a part of our life...
To look at it in such way...
You've grown...
I've grown...
We've both grown up...

I know its hard to take...
The support you got wasn't convincing enough...
But it is at this times that if we pulled through...
Our characters are shown...
Its hard living alone...
Its harder living in your condition...
But you know I know we can survive...
Its not that we haven't been through it...
Its just that we forgot how...
Stand strong my friend...

Remember what we've told ourselves...
We're not here to disappoint...
Not you...
Not me...
We got to believe...
That the future is in our own hands...
Stand strong...
We're always here!
Let's GO!

Old times...

2009-03-04T21:30:00.000+08:00

Badminton game today..
It was so much fun...
Been so long since I play...
But I actually laugh more...
It's more tiring to laugh than play...

But playing reminds me of the good old days yet again...
It felt better last time...
Why?
Its not that I don't like to play with my new mates...
Its just I miss those days when I play with them...

I lost my competitiveness...
I don't like to play in matches now...
I just want to stroke around...
Maybe I haven't find my perfect partner...
I got used to playing with my best friend...
It feels different not playing with him...
Maybe I haven't click with anyone today...
But it reminds me that I used to feel invincible playing with him...

How I miss those days...
We used to play for such long periods...
Yet I don't feel as tired as tired as I am now...
We used to chat while we play...
It is never the same...
It will never be the same...

But I need to move on now...
Its no use dragging back there...
I look forward to playing with you all again...
It might or might not be the same...
But I miss you guys back there...
How are you all?

Oh well....
I guess I'm getting old now....
Keep thinking back out old days...
Such an old man...
I gotta move on...
I need to move on...
I kept telling myself...
I must move on....

下雨天

2009-03-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

下雨天
窗外的乌云
笼罩了我渴望的蓝天
看见人们跑着
不想被雨水滴到
我笑了

既然发生了
又何必去躲呢？
我走在雨中
风轻拂着我的脸
雨打在我身上

我吸了一口
长叹了一遍
我想起了
多久没这样了

重新的
我告诉自己
我还活着
那还不够吗？

最近重新爱上的一首歌

歌曲：下雨天
歌手：南拳妈妈
专辑：南拳妈妈新歌+精选《南搞小孩》
作曲：张杰作词：张杰

下雨天了怎么办我好想你
不敢打给你我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不清那些
彻别接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

100 truths

2009-02-26T20:21:00.001+08:00

001. Real name → Ho Junhui
002. Nickname(s)→ Hojun
004. Zodiac sign → Aries
005. Male or female → Male
006. Elementary → Sam Tet
007. Middle School → SamTet
008. High School → SamTet
009. College School --> Taylor's
010. Hair color → black
011. Long or short → semi...gonna be short soon
012. Loud or Quiet → Both...depends on highness....
013. Sweats or Jeans → Jeans
014. Phone or Camera → Phone...I like to be in the picture...not the one taking it...
015. Health freak → Get sick often
016. Drink or Smoke? → Drink la...
017. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes!! I'll love to crush someone....
018. Eat or Drink → Both..
019. Piercings → No
020. Tattoos → No

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → In the future
024. First best friend → Kindergarten forgot already.... so I'll go for Chee Kin
025. First award → Primary I think
026. First crush → I've so many that I forgot her name....
027. First pet → Dog...also in the future
028. First big vacation → Hong Kong I think,....
030. First big birthday → Kindergarten... Although can't remember much but from the pics...I look very happy.... Otherwise its always big to celebrate with family...

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → Air
050. Drinking → Saliva I think
052. I'm about to → Study.... take time to stray off....
053. Listening to → 天亮了
054. Plans for today → have a good time tomorrow
055. Waiting for → things to happen

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids?→ Yeah
059. Want to get married? → Yeah...if not how to have kids?
060. Careers in mind → Something of management?

WHICH IS BETTER IN THE BOY/GIRL YOU LIKE?
068. Lips or eyes → Eyes
070. Shorter or taller? → Shorter
072. Romantic or spontaneous → spontaneous
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → Arms
074. Sensitive or loud→ both
075. Hook-up or relationship → relationship..
076. Trouble maker or hesitant → trouble maker cause we can both solve things...

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → No
081. Ran away from home → No
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → No
083. Killed somebody → No
084. Broken someone's heart → Yes
085. Been arrested → No
087. Cried when someone died → Yeah, just once....

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → Yes
090. Miracles → Yup
091. Love at first sight → YES!!
092. Heaven → Yeah
093. Santa Claus → Yup
094 Tooth Fairy--> Not really
095. Kiss on the first date -> Unless she wants it...

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → Yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → Almost.... Minus the stress
099. Do you believe in God → Although I say I don't but when things get to worst...I'll start to talk to him... Oh lord....
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people → Oh well....

Problem solving

2009-02-22T14:22:00.001+08:00

Bombarded by problems almost every second
Getting tired all of the sudden
No idea why
I just don't really share my problems
Its just that why put other in my problem anyway

I think I should start doing something
Maybe solving problems one by one
I was greedy
Trying to make things happen all the time
Maybe I should slow the pace
Maybe I'm tired
But I still tried didn't I?

Another thing
I've noticed
There are seasons for friends
No idea why
But at some times
Some friends seems better than the other
Don't ask me why
I can't explain something that even I don't know

Well, first things first...
I should get more rest

Value

2009-02-22T14:10:00.000+08:00

Friends again....
What a topic to write again and again...
I do not know why
But I feel the need to write it and give some respond...
Some say we value some friends more than others..
I must agree on this...
Ask who I would take a bullet for..
I would say my family and best friends
See the word best friends?
I value some friends more than the others
This isn't something bad I guess
Why would it be?
Everyone value something more than the other...
So why can't I value other friendships more?
That would mean alot for those who I value more...

To me, friendships are just like respect...
Respect is given when they are earned..
Just like friendships...
Its how much you give that you will get back..
In short, you'll have to earn that friendship..
No one step into other's life and demand something..
All my friends earn their friendship with me
Well, there are some who threw it away too...
So don't go about whining you're not my good friend
Cause you probably didn't earn it
Or you choose to throw it away at the first place.

I would want to stress that I would take a bullet for my best friends
And if any of you doubt that, try shooting yourself
Just so that you know I haven't lost my sense of humour...
Its just that we've been through more
And before any of you start questioning me for valuing some friendships more
Try looking at yourself
Look before you talk
Talk after you use your brains
Don't talk if you really don't have one...

Once and for all

2009-02-09T10:36:00.000+08:00

For once, I felt so helpless
For once, I lost hope
For once, I lost the believe
For once, I lost faith in everything
For once, I felt so empty
For once, I felt so lonely
For once, I felt my hands trembling
For once, I cried so much
For once, I can’t feel my eyes
For once, I just wished the fan would snap and drop on me

I am a superstitious guy
You can’t blame me for it
It was already three long weeks
Day after day I woke up
Damn, I’m still sick
As if that doesn’t take a toll on my body
It surely did on my mind
Laugh as you will but it is not you who felt it

Now that I understand
No one really understand me
Except for myself
You question me for my motives
Obviously I know how I think
Is it wrong just to think anything beside yours?
Is it wrong that because I am younger that I can’t think
You took me as an idiot
I don’t need to explain myself

I realize that most of the time I cried it was because of you all
All this year, I was such a fool
I asked myself today
For this few years
What did I get that I wanted from you all?
What did you all get that you all wanted from me?
What do you all want from me?
You all took me for granted

Why did I even care?
I remember what came out of you all
Where were all of you?
You were sleeping
You were invading my space
You were trying to make me feel bad
I take the blame now
It always was

When there’s a conflict
I laugh it off
But you don’t know when to stop right?
I had to hide to cry
But you still seek me out as if nothing happened
I want my space
At least a place where I could just cry by my own

But why I asked myself again
That for every time I had to hide
Why should I think of yours feelings
When I was the one who got denied
Suddenly I felt pathetic
Why did I even try to care
Why did I even try to hide

I started praying
Not because I believe in god
But I prayed that I would not be the one
The one that I hated so much months ago
Hiding in my own comfortable shell
I want out
But its not really in my hands now right
It lies in my emotion
Give me a path
I pray

隐性的 equation

2009-02-07T17:50:00.000+08:00

一个充满争执的讨论
三个不同的女孩
三个不同的故事
三个同样的想法
一个同样的结局

每当谈到男女讨论时，好多女性朋友们都会觉得男人会比女人得到更多的好处。就从古时代已有重男轻女的想法，如今世界在变，传统的思想已被抛弃。女性们都会为自己应得的权利站起来。这是一种好事。但我非常不同意的是男女平等这回事，因为男就是男，女就是女，何来相同的呢？

当一个女生穿得暴露
男孩多望两眼
就会被看成色
调换角色
女的多看两眼
对她们来说很正常
甚敢轻言
难得（男的）肯露
当然要看
从男的口中出来
非常的难听
从女的
普通悦耳

平等何在？

上课时间
女的勤劳好成绩
男的指出
被视为大男人
但这是每个人都看得出的
同一堂课
男的说话
老师指责
女的玩iphone
老师看不到
老师没错
那iphone是隐形的

什么平等？

买饮料
男女点同一杯
一杯先来
合情合理的
男的该让
一句gentlewoman
三双傻眼
僵冷的场面

无价

Hojun: 为何女的总是要平等？
Daniel: To balance the equation

When did the equation changed? If when man and woman is both created with different advantages, when did man took away the advantage of being woman? In fact, in my humble opinion, woman are slowly gaining pace on man. Man still remain the same, unchanged. Yet, we always only hear woman talking bout unfair between sexes.

So the burning question remains, did the equation really changed? Then we question god why did he create a flawed equation? To balance that equation doesn't mean woman doing what man can do, it is woman do the things that they should be doing just like man. God or whatsoever created us being each with a purpose. Balancing the equation? Be a MAN and Be a WOMAN. Man can't be woman, woman can't be man. That's the equation.

Bad dream

2009-02-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

Been dreaming a lot this few days.
Doesn't seem to know why I even dream
It's not that I wanted to
But I just did.
People say you won't remember your dream after a while
Well, that's true.
But why people say they have bad dreams when in theory they should forget what they dream.

What does dream really signifies?
Our desire?
Our fears?
Or maybe what happened to us that day?
I just know that when I dream
I have that feeling of sleeping for a long time
Yet I awake finding myself barely sleeping for a long time
But they say dreaming makes you tired
Maybe it does...

I want to stop dreaming
Bring me back to reality
Maybe I'm still living in my world
When will the dream end?

朋友

2009-02-06T18:17:00.000+08:00

人的一生中有多少年？在这短短的数十年中，我们总不能一个人度过。当我们踏进这世界时，在身旁的就是我们的家人了。虽然如此，家人不能时常在我们的身边照顾我们，但他们却有一个重要地位在我们的心中，永远的在那儿。

人生道路中，我们会遇到很多不同的人，志同道合的就能成为朋友，而合不来的也就只能是遗憾。每个人对朋友的评估相信都不一样。那就让我先分析我对朋友这两个字的想法吧！我不敢说我这人生中所走的路很长，比起其他人也可说是短吧！但朋友这两个字却让我学会了很多东西。喜怒哀乐算是普通了因为朋友包含了许多人们都无法解释的感觉。

对我而言，朋友有很多种。我看到的，经历的和拥有的。让我从最坏的说起吧! 一，猪朋狗友。这等朋友是多么的令人讨厌对吧？不交也算了吧？错！为何会有这些人的出现呢？他们的出现正反映了有这等朋友的节操。一个手掌是拍不响的。都别把坏的东西推向别人了！应该为自己所做的负责任。

二，利用及被利用的朋友。被利用的可说是可怜，利用别人的就是可恨吧！但往往在这世纪里，这现象已是很平常了！我不是说以前没有，就从最原始时代也可能已有这现象。这是动物的本性，难道我们不是吗？我不是在鼓励，只是我无法去阻止，所以只能指出。

三，泛泛之交。这应该是最普遍的吧！可能只是见过几次面或是由其他人朋友所引荐的。这类朋友最难预测的！。它可能成为很好的朋友，也可能成为敌人，这就看天意了。所有的朋友都从这里开始的吧。

四，朋友。每个人拥有的应该是最多的吧！他们知道你是谁也明白你是谁。简单来说，你会常常和他们在一起。他们会与你一起度过快乐的时刻。往往很多美好的回忆都从这里而来的。他们很重要，没了他们就很麻烦了！

五，好朋友。这种就少之又少了！可能可称他们为恐龙吧！不！是熊猫。他们还未绝种但人生当中就只有一两个而已。若朋友跟你度过快乐的日子，那好朋友就是与你一起度过伤心的时刻，换句话说便是与你度过一切。我的个人经验，我的好朋友曾经与我打架，伤害我最深的都是他们。与他们说话，无论说什么都不必假装。可能他们会忘记但我还会记得这一切。

那我们要如何衡量一份友情呢？一段无风无雨的路？那只能是朋友了。要成为好朋友不是单单没发生过什么事。而是每一次的争吵后你们是如何和好的。我的好朋友们，你们听到了吗？

Power of language

2009-02-04T17:49:00.001+08:00

Language.
There's not much debate about it.
As long as the words you used seems advance,
You are good in language.
You need to be well verse,
Use some hard words that most of the time only appear in dictionary,
You are consider an expert user.

Since when did we redefine language?
Am I the only one who think language is actually not that complicated?
It should not even be that complicated.
Language is for us to communicate.
It is for us to get the message across.
But as humans like to do,
We complicate it.

Language.
No matter how advance a user you are,
the inability to get the message across,
you'll still be a loser.
Why complicate it then?
It is time to return to basic.
When it all began.
When language is used as a mean of communication
instead of today's measure.

Silly me....

Purpose

2009-01-21T16:29:00.000+08:00

Learned something new again. When some matters involve money, there will be different reactions from everyone.

Let's say a donation. Some argue that, they donate because they wanted to help. However, they want to know who they are donating to. Well, that's really ok. But who are we to judge that they deserve our donations or not? So, we are donating to those whom we think we should help and not those who needs our help. That may sound alright but does it?

Taking the recent incident of war involving Israel and Gaza. Both wage war, country suffer, casualties everywhere. There was a donation campaign in our college. A booth was set up but it was never crowded. Certain response I got was "Why do we want to donate to them? We don't even know where the money is going." " They probably got this on themselves" "Donations to fund their missiles?".

Interesting right? Who are we to judge? When country go to war, it is always the weak who suffer. How can we judge the weak? I stood my ground when I said that I did my part when donating money. The purpose is there to help, why should I care if the money didn't reach there? I did my part right? I tried right? At least I did. Some doesn't even give them a chance.

When giving, we should talk about country, race or religion. All we should be concerned about is to help. If we are to weigh our options every time before deciding to donate or not, it really defeats the purpose of donation. Every donation should come from the heart.

Human beings are still divided by all these. We never had the courage to embrace everyone. We thought we had the duty to help our own kind but we totally forgot we were of the same kind, in the end, we are still human beings.

Human vs Animal

2009-01-18T01:19:00.000+08:00

After having a chat with Wan Limm, I suddenly felt that human instinct is the same as animal instinct. Believe me, before I talk with him, I've never really thought of anything even close to this topic.

So, for me to sum it all up, I should say that whatever we do or animals do, most of it is thinking for the next generation. No matter whatever we do, we can almost relate it to animal thinking. Of course, that would further prove that we still are animal at some point. So, for those who think we are one step above, we still are, but our roots still remain. In short, we are all animals right?

Let's start from reproducing, I'm sure everyone would agree with me that we all want to reproduce. Some even suggest that the reason we live is to reproduce. I'm surely not denying this. Well, just to quote Jo ee, a very big percentage of males brain is thinking about sex. For obvious reason of course, its like we are duty bound to continue our own names. Well, what do you think? Sounds familiar to you? Animals do that don't they?

Okay, let's talk about something more young instead of those reproducing. For example, studies. Why do we study? For some, they proudly say, to gain knowledge. For some, they say because my mom ask me to do so. For them, its not about study, its about satisfying their parents. But ultimately, we study to ensure our future is brighter and to provide for the next generation. Hence, the process is repeating itself where we are to tell our sons to study hard. It's passed down from our parents. So many might confuse with the real aim of studying. We further our study in order to provide for the next generation. Just like what animals do, they will do anything to ensure that their next generation live better. That's called evolution. In order to survive, me must evolve.

Next up, territory defense. What's up about that some may ask. That is very relevant in my opinion. Just look around. Imagine, you have a house. And some stranger just walk in and sit on your couch and use everything you own. What would you do? For sure you'll beat the hell up out of him. The larger picture, wars are being fought because one of them is the stranger and the other is the owner of the house. Just put it that way, someone invade that little space of yours, you'll sure to react. Let's move to the animal kingdom. There is always a dominant male in animals and they tend of protect those who live with it in its pride. Well, world leaders are the dominant male we are talking about, or maybe fathers in a family. They will do anything to protect those who live under its care. Where do we inherit it? From animals of course. He still have the instinct with us no matter what.

For obvious reason, human are animals in one way or another. Its no point denying it. What we do, animals do that too. Yet, we are seen as one step higher than animals is because we know how to think and control them. Yet, I'm still not denying the fact we are indeed animals. We just make what me do sounds better and more presentable. In the end, what we are aiming to achive is still the same. So ,treat your brothers well, I mean the animals anyway.

World Peace

2009-01-16T19:16:00.000+08:00

Our great ex prime minister was here to taylor's for a talk the other day. What an event it was as we were all buzzing about it. We got ourselves all dressed up just to see him speak on World Peace! Well, I don't mind sitting on the floor just to get to see him real and up close. To be honest with you, he really did great things during his office. For those who say he didn't, you're just choosing to see the bad side of him.

World Peace? Will that ever happen? Just when someone is shouting to bring peace to this world, we'll see bombs flying everywhere hitting or not hitting targets like what Tun M said. To his credit, he was right to point out that war is not about war anymore. It's just a tool to intimidate the other into succumbing, in short, the winner is those who are left. That said, civilians now are more the target because they just don't know how to defend themselves. It was never the whole nation going to war, its always only the leader going to "war" and his nation is to pay with their lives.

In short, to bring peace, you'll have to go to war. And when you have war, its never going to be peace. Its an never ending story, I call that a cycle. Just as our lives is a cycle. People are born and people will die, its not going to end unless of course we all got wiped out. SO, there's no such thing as everlasting peace because that's the law of nature!

According to Tun M, the way to stop war is to instill the mentality to not to go to war. Well, I'm not saying that will never gonna work, but its just very very hard to work. And I was wandering, if we are gonna do something for peace, why not start internally? Just look, before we even start thinking about others problem, why not focus on ourselves? If people are dying because of the war, aren't people dying because of petty crimes like snatching, robbery, rapes, murders? That is still happening even there's no war! If no war means peace, then we really have to redefine peace. If we can't even guarantee a nations own safety in the hands of their own nations, why talk about other nations attacking the other? Are we such a busy body?

Well, I've also thought about laying down our arms. Can Malaysia be the first country to throw away all the weapons regardless of anything and I mean anything. If other country come attacking us, if we are truly such a believer of peace, we can always surrender to avoid any bloodshed. Would that happen? NO! You see, even Tun M said it himself, if other country come attacking us, we should fight back in the name of defending ourselves. Wouldn't that defy all those shit that we said for peace? Everyone loves power. NO ONE will give up their power without putting up a fight.

Oh ya, about Tun M's suggestion of boycotting the dollar notes. That wouldn't work either. I'm sure that US had a back up plan in hand. No offense though, I think they're not stupid enough to sit there and let you do what you want with their economy.

To sum it all up, I would say peace is not going to come easy. We are meant to find peace before peace is to find us. Everything start with us. But judging on human nature, I really doubt any of us would live to see peace. I mean the real peace that we are talking about.

New Year Resolution

2009-01-01T23:34:00.000+08:00

Actually was really pissed just now, my laptop just died on me. But since its the new year, I don't think I should post something bad.

So, I'll just bore everyone with my new year resolution.

From today onwards, I promise myself to:

-sleep right
-eat right
-not to miss any meals
-study hard
-be calm
-think more
-smile more
-listen more
-talk more
-express myself more
-crap less
-swear less

If I am to miss any of the above, pls kindly remind me of it. Hit me if you need to, its time I should be walking on the right path.

Hojun Awards of 2008

2008-12-31T23:11:00.000+08:00

Father of the year: My dad obviously
Not much to elaborate, thank you for everything

Mother of the year: My mom
Same goes to you mom. I hope I've been good.

Sister of the year: My sis
Blessed to be your brother!

Best friend of the year: Fatt Chi, James
Both deserved it cause we never stop! We shall go one forever!

Sam Tet friend of the year: Justin
We had so many issues in form 5, but that is long forgotten. Stay close pal!

Taylor's friend of the year : Danny
Haha, thanks for everything in college, can't imagine things without your help

Roommate of the year : Jun Xian
You deserved it! Well done!! Lucky still staying with you next year!!!

Talk partner of the year: Jo Ee
Thanks for those legendary jokes! I've learned a lot from you!

Teacher of the year : Siang Yuin
I wonder whether I could even get a B without your help!

Partner in organizing : Ooi Siang
Great job pal! Will it be successful without you? I doubt it.

Trip of the year : Penang trips Part1 Part2

Birthday party of the year : The Last one

Class of the Year : PE2
Thanks for the fun that you brought to me guys, keep it up

Website of the year : Facebook
For those stunning photo to be put up and of course the war of words there too.

Gathering of the year : Dec one's
I'm glad most was able to turn up.

Blogger of the Year : Nicole Pang
Your blog was nice and thanks for bringing me here too.

Anymore to vote? Let me know, I'll consider! Although this sounds a bit lame, but just to let the nominees know, you guys have a special place in my heart!

心思苑

感同身受

考验

奔

王力宏 需要人陪

眠

远方

梦

默

我不怕

毒药

我

搬迁

生病记

Life here

Oh well

That little bus

I want my new life

干掉负面

The wake up call.

泡影

赌徒

发觉

Selfish

hojun

原来这只鸟可以那么的残缺

心底话

资格

My nature

和平盛世

感同身受

飞

Watching

Lone moon

Mesmerized

Obligation to sacrifice

Year 2010

Year 2009

Hey

Chase

Lies

Maybe I'm fed up

Smile kills

The end

My Beautiful dream

Back up

Secret

How many dreamless night have you had?

Think

Acceptance

Race

Plot

LoL

Braveheart

Fear

...

Well....

Randomness...

Desperado

Must it be that Complicated?

Hope to believe

Oh well..

A better experience..

Vacation

new chinese blog

Dream 1

马

Whatever...

星 鱼 你爱哪？

致别

Tags

Tags

Another one of those quiz...

Color Quiz (not bad la)

主题

Dreamer

Perfect liar with a flaw

动摇了 Let the game begin!

竹樱林

Thanks

王力宏需要人陪

星鱼你爱哪？